I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
