i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
