my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
ttyl tear gas
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
