When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
