I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
