He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
