i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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