I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
