that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
