never play flip cup with pint glasses
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How external is "for external use only"?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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