i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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