What a fucking waste of an outfit
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
