I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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