3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
