Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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