You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
