You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize