I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
