bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
