On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
