so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
