I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
