umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
