Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
