A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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