did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am available for nakedness
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