I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
