that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There r osticjed everywhere
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
