why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
