I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
