I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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