So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
