she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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