i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
