I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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