If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
