I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
