i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
