i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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