Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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