you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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