dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
