So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
