i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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