I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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