I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
