mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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