Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
