I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
