dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
