I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
